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Thread: Clean jokes

  1. #121
    Senior Member Ernie1980's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ReardenSteel View Post
    Let's eat Grandma.

    Or

    Let's eat, Grandma.

    Comas can save lives, see grammar is important.
    So is spelling!
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  2. #122
    Senior Member blabbermouth edhewitt's Avatar
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    How do you know when 4 elephants have been in the fridge?










    There is a little red mini parked outside
    Bread and water can so easily become tea and toast

  3. #123
    Truth is weirder than any fiction.. Grazor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by edhewitt View Post
    How do you know when 4 elephants have been in the fridge?










    There is a little red mini parked outside
    I knew that was coming, well played Ed.

    One for the Aussies,,,

    A Kiwi walks into a bar with a seagull on his shoulder..
    Bartender asks "Oh how cute, where did you get it from?"
    Seagull replies "Bondi beach...There's hundreds of them..."
    Into this house we're born, into this world we're thrown ~ Jim Morrison

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  5. #124
    Moderator rolodave's Avatar
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    Good one, Ed
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    If you don't care where you are, you are not lost.

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  7. #125
    Senior Member blabbermouth tintin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Geezer View Post
    Walk???. . . I thought you said Wok the dog!
    I thought a Wok was something you threw at a wabbit?
    Last edited by tintin; 08-09-2015 at 05:05 PM.
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  8. #126
    Contains ingredients Tack's Avatar
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    A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either".


    rs,
    Tack
    I have great faith in fools - self confidence my friends call it.

  9. #127
    Senior Member blabbermouth Geezer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tack View Post
    A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either". rs,Tack
    Oh the memories!
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    Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
    - Oscar Wilde

  10. #128
    Senior Member guitstik's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Geezer View Post
    Oh the memories!
    ...of not being able to find toilet paper in the confessional after a weekend binder?
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    SRP. Where the Wits aren't always as sharp as the Razors
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  11. #129
    JP5
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    Senior Member blabbermouth JP5's Avatar
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    Here is some of Mitch Hedberg's jokes. Some are edited or paraphrased.

    I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant, because the customer is always right.

    Alcoholism is a disease. But it’s like the only disease you can get yelled at for having.
    "Dang it Otto, your an alcoholic!!"
    "Dang it Otto, you have lupis!!"
    One of those does not sound right.

    I went to the store to buy a candle holder, but they were out. So, I bought a cake.


    A lot of bars have black lights. And when a bar has black lights, everybody looks very cool. Except for me… because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

    I can’t floss my teeth, man. I can’t get into the flossing thing. People who smoke cigarettes, they say “Man, you don’t know how hard it is to quit smoking.” Yes I do. It’s as hard as it is to START flossing.

    That would be cool if SpiderMan shot hammocks instead of nets. “Hey, you’re not a criminal, but you do need to relax.”

    I play golf. I’m not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole-in-one. But I did hit a guy. And that’s way more satisfying. You’re supposed to yell “Fore!” but I was too busying mumbling “There ain’t no way that’s gonna hit him.”

  12. #130
    Contains ingredients Tack's Avatar
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    The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right side.

    A short time later, she started leaning to her left, so again they grabbed her and propped her up with pillows. Soon she started leaning forward, so they grabbed her again and tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

    A nephew who arrived late came running up and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her pen and notepad and wrote, "They won't let me fart."


    rs,
    Tack
    I have great faith in fools - self confidence my friends call it.

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