Thread: Clean jokes

Originally Posted by ReardenSteel

Let's eat Grandma.

Or

Let's eat, Grandma.

Comas can save lives, see grammar is important.

So is spelling!

How do you know when 4 elephants have been in the fridge?










There is a little red mini parked outside

Originally Posted by edhewitt

How do you know when 4 elephants have been in the fridge?










There is a little red mini parked outside

I knew that was coming, well played Ed.

One for the Aussies,,,

A Kiwi walks into a bar with a seagull on his shoulder..
Bartender asks "Oh how cute, where did you get it from?"
Seagull replies "Bondi beach...There's hundreds of them..."

Good one, Ed

Originally Posted by Geezer

Walk???. . . I thought you said Wok the dog!

I thought a Wok was something you threw at a wabbit?

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either".


rs,
Tack

Originally Posted by Tack

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either". rs,Tack

Oh the memories!

Originally Posted by Geezer

Oh the memories!

...of not being able to find toilet paper in the confessional after a weekend binder?

Here is some of Mitch Hedberg's jokes. Some are edited or paraphrased.

I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant, because the customer is always right.

Alcoholism is a disease. But it’s like the only disease you can get yelled at for having.
"Dang it Otto, your an alcoholic!!"
"Dang it Otto, you have lupis!!"
One of those does not sound right.

I went to the store to buy a candle holder, but they were out. So, I bought a cake.


A lot of bars have black lights. And when a bar has black lights, everybody looks very cool. Except for me… because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

I can’t floss my teeth, man. I can’t get into the flossing thing. People who smoke cigarettes, they say “Man, you don’t know how hard it is to quit smoking.” Yes I do. It’s as hard as it is to START flossing.

That would be cool if SpiderMan shot hammocks instead of nets. “Hey, you’re not a criminal, but you do need to relax.”

I play golf. I’m not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole-in-one. But I did hit a guy. And that’s way more satisfying. You’re supposed to yell “Fore!” but I was too busying mumbling “There ain’t no way that’s gonna hit him.”

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right side.

A short time later, she started leaning to her left, so again they grabbed her and propped her up with pillows. Soon she started leaning forward, so they grabbed her again and tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her pen and notepad and wrote, "They won't let me fart."


rs,
Tack