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Thread: Clean jokes
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08-09-2015, 06:16 AM #121
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08-09-2015, 08:26 AM #122
How do you know when 4 elephants have been in the fridge?
There is a little red mini parked outsideBread and water can so easily become tea and toast
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08-09-2015, 08:45 AM #123
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Thanked: 580Into this house we're born, into this world we're thrown ~ Jim Morrison
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08-09-2015, 09:27 AM #124
Good one, Ed
If you don't care where you are, you are not lost.
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The Following User Says Thank You to rolodave For This Useful Post:
edhewitt (08-09-2015)
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08-09-2015, 11:20 AM #125
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08-09-2015, 12:33 PM #126
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either".
rs,
TackI have great faith in fools - self confidence my friends call it.
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08-09-2015, 01:47 PM #127
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08-09-2015, 02:04 PM #128
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08-09-2015, 04:49 PM #129
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Thanked: 315Here is some of Mitch Hedberg's jokes. Some are edited or paraphrased.
I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant, because the customer is always right.
Alcoholism is a disease. But it’s like the only disease you can get yelled at for having.
"Dang it Otto, your an alcoholic!!"
"Dang it Otto, you have lupis!!"
One of those does not sound right.
I went to the store to buy a candle holder, but they were out. So, I bought a cake.
A lot of bars have black lights. And when a bar has black lights, everybody looks very cool. Except for me… because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.
I can’t floss my teeth, man. I can’t get into the flossing thing. People who smoke cigarettes, they say “Man, you don’t know how hard it is to quit smoking.” Yes I do. It’s as hard as it is to START flossing.
That would be cool if SpiderMan shot hammocks instead of nets. “Hey, you’re not a criminal, but you do need to relax.”
I play golf. I’m not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole-in-one. But I did hit a guy. And that’s way more satisfying. You’re supposed to yell “Fore!” but I was too busying mumbling “There ain’t no way that’s gonna hit him.”
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08-10-2015, 01:55 PM #130
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right side.
A short time later, she started leaning to her left, so again they grabbed her and propped her up with pillows. Soon she started leaning forward, so they grabbed her again and tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came running up and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her pen and notepad and wrote, "They won't let me fart."
rs,
TackI have great faith in fools - self confidence my friends call it.