Thread: Clean jokes

Old Fishing Friends

In a small town there were three church denominations and all three of the clergy were friends.

Every Sunday after services they would drive together to a small lake and fish together from a small row boat.

This arraignment lasted for many a year but sadly one of the elderly clergy passed away. His church sent a young pastor fresh out of Seminary School as his replacement.

The other two clergy did a lot of soul searching and debating between themselves and decided to make the young clergy welcome in their fishing group. So they asked him if he'd like to join them after services the next Sunday to go fishing with them at the lake. The new clergy was absolutely delighted and eagerly said of course.

So Sunday arrived and the three of them loaded up in a car and drove to the lake. They loaded their gear in the boat and rowed out a bit and started to fish. However one of the old clergy had forgotten his tackle box and said he'd be right back; he then stepped out of the boat and walked across the water to the shore, grabbed his tackle box from the car and walked back to the boat.

The young clergy was just aghast! However about that time the other old minister announced that he'd forgotten his bait and would be right back. He too walked across the water, retrieved his bait box from the car and walked back and sat down in the boat.

At this point the young clergy was beyond belief! Finally he said that he'd forgotten to bring part of his lunch along and stepped out of the boat and promptly dropped below the water and was flailing and calling for help.

One old clergy looked at the other and said: "I guess we'd better show him where the rocks are".

...

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.

The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat , three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.” "That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass... “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.” "Correct."

A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne , high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."

Your bicycle jokes do not interest me a unicycle one wheel.

The wedding ceremony came to the point where the minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.

The moment of utter silence was broken by a young, beautiful woman carrying a child. She stood up and started walking slowly from the back of the church towards the pastor.

The congregation was aghast. The groom’s jaw dropped as he stared disbelievingly at the approaching young woman and child. Chaos ensued. The bride threw the bouquet in the air and burst out crying. Then the groom's mother fainted.

The groom's men started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

The minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward? What do you have to say?

There was absolute silence in the church.

The woman replied, "We can't hear at the back."

Originally Posted by Haroldg48

The wedding ceremony came to the point where the minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.

The moment of utter silence was broken by a young, beautiful woman carrying a child. She stood up and started walking slowly from the back of the church towards the pastor.

The congregation was aghast. The groom’s jaw dropped as he stared disbelievingly at the approaching young woman and child. Chaos ensued. The bride threw the bouquet in the air and burst out crying. Then the groom's mother fainted.

The groom's men started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

The minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward? What do you have to say?

There was absolute silence in the church.

The woman replied, "We can't hear at the back."

Now THAT'S FUNNY!!!

Originally Posted by cudarunner

Text to Neighbour:

Hi Fred this is Richard, next Door. I’ve got a
Confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt
For a few months and have been trying to get
Up the courage to tell you face to face.
At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live
with myself a minute longer without you knowing
about this. The truth is that when you’re not around
I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night.
In fact, probably much more than you. I haven’t been
getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse.
The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt
and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me.
Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you
Regards Richard

Neighbour’s Response:

Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun
and shot Richard, killing him. He went back home and poured
himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.
Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a second
Text from Richard…..

Second text message:

Hi Fred,
Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text,
I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned
Auto-Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” Technology, huh?
It’ll be the death of us all.
Regards Richard

Two Geezers meet in a bar

Mike " How you be?"
Ike "I got yourz"
Mike " Scotch and water, Thanks!"

~Richard, tone deaf!