Thread: Clean jokes

There's a difference between 'Knowing your sh*t' and Knowing you're sh*t'

A kid decides to burn his house down.

Dad - putting his arm around his wife, both with tears in their eyes -

"That's arson"

A collection from a dearly departed friend:

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's Round Table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island. It turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road .. . . and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
27. A termite walked into a saloon and asked "Is the bar tender here?"

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Originally Posted by Gasman

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Jerry---------------------------------------------------

Why do you have your calendar turned to Saturday the 8th? Even in your area of the country it's still Friday the 7th! Maybe you're still adjusting to the day shifts

Why did the bird go to the hospital?




For Tweetment.

Roy, its the wife's calendar and she went to bed. So she gets it ready for the next day. But you are correct. Damn ol' lady making me look bad. Lol.

Originally Posted by Gasman

Roy, its the wife's calendar and she went to bed. So she gets it ready for the next day. But you are correct. Damn ol' lady making me look bad. Lol.

Oh Sure! The loving husband waits till his lovely bride is sound asleep to blame her and she can't defend herself!!

What did the ground say to the Dinosaur's footprint?




You made a big impression on me.

Just found out something interesting about my Grandfather. They say that just before he died he had the nurse smear bacon grease all over his body... We don't know why but after that he went down hill really fast.